Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need Is A Knife

[anarchist_nomad]

I enjoyed a hearty belly laugh this morning. Ah, the world can certainly be an ironic place sometimes!

To understand why I am saying this, my dear friends, a bit of historical context is necessary:

A few years ago, I was actively involved in the UK bisexual community. Wanting to give something back, I created Oxford BiFest -- a one-day event following the model used in London, Manchester, and Brighton. In some areas, we wanted to put our own stamp on the event, experimenting with improvements here and there, such as a larger venue. In other regards, however, we saw no need to re-invent the wheel, and so we borrowed enthusiastically from those who had blazed a trail before us. For instance, we adapted our logo from a recent BiFest elsewhere, and we used a catchy slogan that had been circulating in the community for over a decade.

That slogan was "Like Men? Like Women? Like Both?" Seems innocuous enough, right? What's what we thought, too -- especially in light of its long history of use. We could not have been more wrong. Posting a copy of our flier, which featured said slogan, started a massive flame war as we were vehemently accused of being exclusive and making people feel "erased" by our mentioning of men and women. I was personally excoriated as transphobic, discriminatory, and a bigot.

When the attacks ramped up, I was unwilling to risk tarnishing our event by entering the fray to speak up in my own defense. Thus, I immediately fell silent. Those attacking pressed on, however, whilst shouting loudly about how they were being silenced.[*] It couldn't help but call a Monty Python scene to mind: "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

At the time, a precious few spoke up against such unwarranted accusations, for which I am quite appreciative. Unfortunately, many others either joined the attacks or merely kept quiet. Sadly, silence has the de facto effect of resembling acceptance with such inappropriate behaviour.

Happily, the event itself was highly successful, despite all the online drama that preceded it! Yay! Thus, we decided to do it again one year later. When the time came, community leaders expressed concern that we would choose to use the same slogan, indicating that we should bow before the outrageous behaviour and personal attacks of the previous year. I was shocked that leaders could consider harassment as an acceptable means of initiating change in the community. After considerable discussion, cheshcat and I decided to leave the UK bisexual community in response, rather than condone bullying as legitimate behaviour. We shut down the Bisexual Oxford group, donated all its assets to charity, and found other projects worthy of our time and energy.

Unfortunately, we lost many friends in the process, yet we stood by our principles... which, ultimately, matters much more. I don't think that I could have lived with myself, looked at myself in the mirror each morning, if I had encouraged harassment and accepted intimidation as legitimate tactics. We walked away, but we did it with our consciences intact.

So, gentle readers, that is the requisite backstory -- are you ready for the tale of current irony? Excellent!

Let us now fast-forward three years to the present. One of the people who took part in attacking us for not being inclusive is an organizer for a polyamorous event. She played a particularly active role in the slander, and was the first to hurl accusations of bigotry when she called me "transphobic" for our mention of "men" and "women". Clearly one who strongly believes that we should not discriminate or be exclusive, right? Read on.

Today, I found out that her upcoming event, OpenCon UK, has barred men from registering unless they do so with a partner to accompany them. Say what?? So much for being all vehement about inclusivity -- this rule is about as discriminatory and exclusive as they come! As da_pupdetz like to say: "Whoops! Somebody screwed up!"

I have been actively polyamorous for over fifteen years, and taking part in poly events for at least twelve of those years. In that time, I have never before seen a bar against unaccompanied men, nor have I seen need of it. Not at the old "Bi Poly Rap sessions" in New York, not at Poly Chicago, not at OpenCon Catalonia -- nowhere. At times, it has been helpful to explicitly mention that a poly event is not the place for cruising, but an outright ban on men who are not accompanied is completely uncalled for!

Here is one last helping of extra-bonus irony: Besides being offensive in all the obvious ways, this ban also reinforces the heteronormative paradigm. Let's all come to talk about polyamoury in our nice little groups of two -- one man, one woman. Honestly, I would never have expected it!

Alas, the event in question has a perennial scheduling conflict with the Sooper Sekrit Pagan Festival, which I am running again this year. This is a shame -- I cannot boycott OpenCon UK for its moronic policy of discrimination and exclusivity, as I was already unable to attend. Le sigh.

Even so, the irony made me laugh out loud this morning, grinning whilst simultaneously shaking my head in disbelief. The world is a funny, funny place, indeed!

---

[*] Not the main irony promised for this post -- consider it bonus, gentle readers!

Comments

[dragonmamma.livejournal.com]

Duh!!!!
How very ironic. Personally I would say that you are the least "phobic" person I have ever met, but there you go. They wouldnt have wanted to hear my "more or less straight, heterosexual" viewpoint anyway. But heavens. Reinforcing all sorts of stereotypes there - poor little victim females, wicked predatory single men, couples, exclusivity....the list just goes on and on and on...
How very bizarre.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

That fight took a lot of the shine off bi events for me too, I don;t think I have been back to one since which is for many reasons but that played a part in it. Sticking my head over the parapet had me thoroughly sniped for it :-( I actually wonder whether when people like I, known for their confidence and willingness to speak up get so thoroughly abused, others fall silent. I mean, not many people are willing to get in my face and start a fight - when they do that must be pretty intimidating to others (If that makes sense?)

As for that rule? It's a swingers club rule, many swingers clubs that had fetish nights used to use it. I think the "at least one cunt for every cock" rule is pretty sickening tbh.

[selki.livejournal.com]

I am sorry you experienced such personal attacks, and am sure you are not transphobic or a bigot.

I think it is possible to act in a discriminatory way without having had any discriminatory intentions. I know I have, and I've been angry and defensive and hurt when it was pointed out to me. I think it is possible to express concern and a desire for a more inclusive slogan, however long the old one may have been in circulation, without bowing to personal attacks, endorsing harassment, or condoning bullying as legitimate behaviour, though obviously I don't know how said concern/desire was expressed to you. I think it would have been a mistake to re-use a slogan that clearly had made some people feel erased/excluded, however horribly they may have behaved about said feelings.

I understand the exclusionary issue with requiring a man to be accompanied by a partner to attend a poly event, but how is that heteronormative? Presumably one man could be accompanied by another man as his partner.

[kenshardik]

First, add my voice to the "Nomad is discriminating? HA!" chorus.

Secondly, I don't see how mentioning "men" and "women" as discriminating against transgendered people. I am not trans, but as far as I know someone who is trans believes that the body they are in has the wrong gender and want to transform into the other one.

I would expect the people who would be offended are the "gender queer" or "gender fluid" folks who don't consider themselves to be a particular gender. I have to admit that, as liberal as I am, I have a hard time understanding the GQ folks as I equate gender to physiology, not a "state of mind". I can express my feminine side but that does not mean I am not male.

I guess I need to have some long (or maybe short) talks with GQ folks so I can better understand the concept.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

Transphobic? You?

The sound you just heard was my jaw hitting the keyboard :oS

[cjtremlett.livejournal.com]

I heard at least part of that story before, and continue to be flabbergasted that anyone could accuse you, of all people, of being phobic and discriminatory towards any aspect of sexuality, gender or identity.

I can see a bit of a conflict - if the slogan bothers some people, should it be used? But not using it would appear, at least to the bullies, that they "won" and therefore give them additional motivation to keep up that sort of behavior. That's a hard call to make, and I think walking away was probably the only reasonable option. What a poisonous environment, and over something purporting to do with love!

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

So it's Bi-Females-Fest, and no icky men may attend without a woman to keep their Boy Cooties in check? What about bisexual men? (Oh, I forgot - there are no such things as bisexual men; they're all just gay men in such deep denial that they can't admit their homosexual urges to themselves, and having a woman involved in the proceedings lets them pretend they're "really" straight.) I have a slogan for everyone: "LOVE DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE"

[samiitiger.livejournal.com]

I balk at the thought that someone would even consider you transphobic or a bigot, as you are neither. Intolerant of ignorance, sure, but not of people.

I have seen the "no unpartnered men allowed" rule at exactly one event, and I don't believe it ran again after that. In any case, it torqued my gears quite a bit that there was social exclusivity at an event that was supposed to be open to all.